That was then, This is now

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I still look like a ballerina. I’ve come to terms with this and no longer rue the fact, but there was a time when I railed against this identifying marker of my past – it felt so constricting, so haunting – a crushing reminder inducing feelings of failure. The events that led me to leave my life of dance are too involved to mention here, right now, but they left no doubt in my mind that I had to leave the path I’d been on for so long in order to grow. In some ways, of course, I’d already left – in deep places of my heart, I’d already left, but stepping into a new direction proved to be a greater challenge than I’d anticipated.

Today I feel like I’ve lived two lives.  In my first life: dance, achievement, adventure. In my second life: self-awareness, spiritual growth, marriage. The feeling of two lives lived before age thirty is exhausting: sometimes I simply do not have the desire to try as hard in this one as I did in the other one. But I miss being inspired and I miss being creative, and I’m sad that the only expression I’ve developed for my soul is the movement of my own body. I’m mad that I felt so controlled by my art form that the years I should have been gaining speed in my professional/educational life, I instead spent derailed, like a refugee – in a transitory survival mode.

But I am ready to be proud of my life again. I’m ready to stop running and start creating. This is the journey I hope to take with you. I think it is the most important journey of my life – as a woman, a soon-to-be mother, and a wife.

that was then

this is now




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Showing 4 comments
  • stephanie

    Eloquently said Kristin…I relate SOOOO much to this post!

  • Heather

    Me too, which is so comforting. The 2 lives before 30 and the exhaustion that comes with that? Right there with you. Great post!

  • candice

    I have so much love for you and your willingness to put these thoughts out there! Particularly the feelings of anger–this is something I think we are often all afraid to admit we have felt in relation to our beautiful but often stifling career and training. Thanks for this!

  • Frieda

    I can totally relate to this post. Thanks so much for posting! Congratulations on your soon-to-be adventure.

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